I was emotionally bruised most of my childhood and still am to this day in many ways. So the clear answer is yes, I was emotionally bruised when I got married. The big question is how does that affect my marriage and even my other relationships?
Why I Didn’t Believe I Deserved It
I was sexually abused in various forms all throughout my childhood. I had seen many horrors that I never want to have to endure again. Marriage didn’t hold the meaning I always longed for it to hold. I wanted my parents to have the type of marriages where they worked things out. I wanted them to stand by their spouses’ side through everything. I wanted them to feel like the mere idea of cheating on a spouse was thought to be absurd.
I was one of those kids who read romance novels looking for the happy ever after parts. I didn’t really care about how the characters caught each other. (After all, I had guys flocking to me like bees to honey. So, I definitely wasn’t needing help in that area.) I wanted to know the HOW they stay together part! I wanted to believe in happy ever AFTER through the hard times and the good.
Yet, for as much as I wanted that, I didn’t believe that I, ME Personally, was worth it. I felt like because of my past sexual mistakes that I was dirty. I was nothing more than trash. No man would ever love the REAL me. The part of me that wants sex to be more than just an action that HAD to be done and done in the most creative exotic way imaginable. (Yes, I do have many creative ways to make sex entertaining and enjoyable. From time to time I do pull those tricks out, but they are NOT something I want to have to do every day. NO WOMEN really does.)
I Had It, but Lost It
I had the man who loved me completely for who I was both inside and out. I had a man who would have walked through a flaming building and done tricks along the way if he thought it would make me happy and secure. That man is my current husband now! However, through the years, I have burned him royally by doing things that I’ll never be able to take back.
Yet, he’s still here with me. Granted, his love for me is still there, but it’s different. It’s far more reserved. He keeps a part of himself away from me. It breaks my heart to know that I’m the reason why things are that way between us. Even now, I still feel that one day he’s going to meet another woman who can make him love completely, and where he’s free to be 100% himself with again. The sad fact is, I wouldn’t blame him if he left.
Our marriage is strong, but due to my low self-esteem and MAJOR insecurities it will NEVER be as close as it could have been. I think that’s what the driving force is behind me sharing these thoughts with you. I don’t want you to waste or miss out on having the chance to be with someone who does love you completely because you don’t think you’re worth it.
Trying to Remind Myself of My Worth
I literally spend every day reminding myself that I AM worth it. I do deserve to be loved unconditionally. I am no longer the girl who doesn’t think clearly. Instead, I strive to make every relationship matter. I don’t handle them recklessly anymore.
I also am trying to remember that my true beauty comes from the inside out. The outer portion of my body will actually catch up if I believe I am worth this. I need to put the band aide on my emotional bruises and give it time to heal. I need to accept that it won’t happen overnight for as much as I would like it too. However, if I keep applying the ointments needed to heal them, then in time they will healed at least enough for me to appreciate my worth.
I believe many things will fall into line if I apply the right ointment, which would be trusting that God has a plan for me and loves me. He will help me get better. He will guide me down the path I need to be on.
Are you emotionally bruised too?