How do You Talk About Your Husband When He’s Not Around?

When Crystal first asked me to guest post on her blog on the topic of marriage, I wondered what I could really say that hasn’t been said already.

I had an entire post written about creative ways to find time to communicate with your husband, since that is something we struggle with because of the crazy hours my husband works as a chef.

And then I changed my mind.  It just didn’t feel like the right topic.

So I started to think about what I wished I knew or what I was glad I knew early on in our marriage.  I could ramble on and on about what I wished I knew early on, but the one thing that kept coming to my mind was a piece of advice given to me by an older woman in a Bible Study one morning many years ago.  (Wow, that makes me sound old!)

It’s probably something we’ve all heard before, but if you’re like me, sometimes I need to be reminded.

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The advice was this.

Never speak badly about your husband to others.

That’s it.

That doesn’t sound too hard.  Or does it?

So today, I’d like to give you (and myself) a challenge.

First, let’s just state the obvious.  I know I’m not perfect and I didn’t marry someone perfect.  My husband is going to do things that drive me crazy and really bother me.  It’s just going to happen.  We are two different people.  But how we handle those things is so important and can be the difference between a happy marriage and a struggling marriage.

In the Bible in Ephesians 5:33, husbands are called to love their wives as they love themselves and wives are called to respect their husbands.

If every time my husband does something that really bothers me, I run and gossip about it with my friends, or gossip about it on Facebook, is that respecting him?

Yes, I said gossip.

No one likes to talk about that word.  I don’t even like the sound of that word itself.  It just sounds horrible.  But if we’re not careful, it’s easy to do!

The Free Dictionary defines gossip as talking casually or maliciously about other people. 

So thinking about that definition, is it respecting my husband if I call and “vent” to my friend right after he leaves for work, telling her what a slacker he is because he keeps leaving his breakfast dishes on the counter instead of putting them in the dishwasher? (And then sometimes even ask that they pray for me that I won’t be so upset by this.  Yikes!  Sometimes we even disguise our gossip as a “prayer request.”)

What should I be doing instead of speaking negatively about my husband to my friend?  How about telling my husband that it really bothers me.  Or just let it go.  It’s just dishes.  Does it really matter at the end of the day if he or I put them in the dishwasher?  I know this is kind of a silly example, but you get the picture.

I’m sure there are enough line cooks, restaurant managers, servers, etc., who gossip about my chef/husband all the time.  He doesn’t need me talking about him negatively as well.

Instead, I need to be respecting him and I need to be his #1 cheerleader, full of encouragement and love.  My words (and actions) need to be showing him that I respect him. . . words that I say to his face, but also when he’s not around.

I’m not saying this is easy or that I’m perfect in this area. PLEASE don’t think that!  There have been times I have stopped mid-sentence as I’ve realized what I was about to say was gossip about my husband.  I have said things to a friend about my husband that I have later regretted.

Being married isn’t easy.  It takes work.  It takes good communication.  It takes love and respect.  We need to be intentional about the things we say not only to our husband, but also about him when he is not around.  So today I challenge you (and myself) to speak respectfully about our husbands.  Let’s be encouragers and not gossips.

How can you encourage your husband today while he’s at work or when he gets home?  Let’s share some ideas in the comments below!




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I'm Jethro. I'm a carpenter, and love to build things! You can find me in the garage or at work most days of the week.My sister is Crystal, who you might know from this very blog. Her son Johnny loves video games just as much as I do - so we have a lot of fun playing together!

18 comments on “How do You Talk About Your Husband When He’s Not Around?”

  1. This is great. I have a 7 year old daughter and she picks up on EVERYTHING I say! My husband is a coach and hardly ever home. There have been times I’ve been venting on the phone or with a friend and I have to be very careful! I do not want my daughter to worry any more then she already does or get the wrong impression that Mommy is mad at Daddy! Ha! Thanks for sharing!

  2. Sometimes it seems easier to complain about my lack of time with my husband than to spin it around and praise his work ethic and passion for what he does (which are 2 of the things that I love most about him). Thanks for the reminder to stay positive and cheer him on all the way.

    • It is easier to complain. I have to fight against that too! Thanks for the reminder to remember to praise their work ethic and passion. (I love those things about my husband as well!)

  3. We’ve been married 48 years and dated 3 years before that. And while we don’t always agree on everything – I don’t ever recall saying anything to anyone against my husband or anything about him in a negative way. It’s just something that I wouldn’t do. He isn’t perfect and I’m certainly not perfect – but we formed a bond over 50 years ago that is just as strong today as it was then. People have told us so many times that they can tell how close we are because when you’re in the presence of one of us … we always end up bringing each other into it one way or the other so our lives really do – revolve around each other.

    • Together 51 years! What a great testimony to marriage in our society where staying married is becoming more and more rare. Yay!! That’s wonderful that people can tell how close you are, even if they are only talking to one of you. Thanks Kay. 🙂

  4. What a great post! It always hurts my heart when I hear women talking bad about their husband. We learned years ago in a Christian Marriage group to keep problems at home, unless you need spiritual advice. I am my husband’s advocate in this world, as he is mine – make sure to not let anyone talk bad about them and don’t do it yourself, at all! 🙂 #HomeMattersParty

  5. It’s so important that we both love and respect our spouses. It’s amazing how what you say when you are away as well as in his presence is meaningful. Thank you for sharing this on the #HomeMattersParty


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