There have been many times in my life that I’ve felt like I was on fire and had to run for my life. I’ve mentioned my sexual abuse quite often. However, I haven’t mentioned about the fact that I was stalked for over five years by a guy who involved in the sexual abuse with my abuser. He was only a few years older than me, and felt he was in love with me.
So, what was I running from?
Since I was a young teenager who didn’t know much better, I made some mistakes along the way with him. I feel I may have led him on without meaning to on several occasions. However, I definitely was not interested in keeping a relationship alive with him after I told him to leave me alone and he didn’t. That seemed to make him want to pursue me even more.
A couple months prior to us moving into our new home, my beloved dog took a bullet to save my life from this insane individual. During those years, there wasn’t very many laws that protected someone against being stalked. While the cops were doing a stake out at my house with me, they literally watched him go up and down my road we lived on at least three times every hour for several hours. It got to the point that I was permitted to carry weapons on me, and if he so much as came within two hundred feet of me I was allowed to kill him and the cops were going to put it down as self-defense.
We tried to abide by the law through and through, but the laws didn’t protect me. The laws in place didn’t save my dog’s life. Nothing the law did to him including putting him jail stopped him from pursuing me. To this day, I still have no idea why he was so determined to be my shadow. All I do know, is I recruited the help of some local gangs that were in place back then, and something they did caused him to leave me alone for good.
I wouldn’t wish it on anybody to be stalked by someone. It’s a rather scary and uncomfortable feeling. Of course, I think me being stalked for as long as I was has a lot to do with why I don’t like people up in my business anymore than they have to be. I like my privacy.
What was I running from?
Why did I run from the love of my life? Why did I not marry him the first time? Why did I continue to shatter his heart and entire being by not being loyal to him? Those are questions, I honestly and truly can’t answer completely. Other than to say, I was scared to death of love!
I was scared to give up my freedom. I was scared to trust someone else to take care of me completely. I was scared to let him hold my heart in the palms of his hands. Yet, I trust him enough with all of my deep dark scary secrets. He knows everything there is to know about me and then some. He has always been my shoulder to lean on. He’s been there for me through everything.
Yet, I couldn’t take that ultimate leap of faith and say, “I do” to him. I couldn’t trust him to be there for me FOREVER. Instead, I jumped into two other marriages that weren’t suppose to ever happen instead. I was miserable in those marriages because my heart wasn’t into them. I married men who knew so little about me. They couldn’t make me happy because they didn’t even know what really makes me happy.
I ran from true love like it was a plaque. I guess I thought it would kill me to be loyal to one man for the rest of my life. I thought I’d be messing up my entire life. Instead, what I gained was a life filled with complete and utter happiness. I don’t miss the other life at all. I don’t miss the questions and the constant games people play with others they are dating.
I love waking up to Del everyday. I love knowing that he’ll be there with me through all of life’s trials. I regret running like a mad woman. I can’t undo what is done. So I choose to “Live in the moment.”
So, I stopped running from my fears. I have stopped running from embracing happiness. I will no longer do those things. Instead, I’m going to live life to the fullest. I’m going to treasure those I have in my life.
What are you running from?