What I Know About Open Marriages

Every time I see the preview for the new show coming on USA called Satisfaction it makes me cringe.  This show is about a married couple who try to live the life of having an open marriage. In the preview alone there is a strong disregard for marriage and all it is supposed to mean and stand for.

I’ve told you already what marriage means to me.  I literally feel like we need to FIGHT for our society and marriages as a whole. Marriage use to mean a man and a woman would fall in love and live together for the rest of their lives together. Marriage was a LIFETIME commitment. There was no such thing as a divorce. If you cheated on your spouse you were basically the scum of the Earth. That has all changed!

What Society Feels Most Marriages Look Likes

Alright, picture this… your marriage has reached that dreaded boring stage. There is no passion anymore. You barely connect with your spouse anymore at all on an emotional level. You’ve literally become passing strangers living in the same house trying to keep the household running. There is a LONG reasons as to why you got to this point, but that’s not what this post is about. Society is telling you to forget about your spouse you have at home and instead find someone else who will be the companion your spouse isn’t being right now. (If you’re feeling like you’re headed this way or are there please read my other blog posts or reach out and I’ll gladly give you ways to change all of this, but this post is not about that.)

Experience Gives Me the Upper Hand!

Now many who actually know me probably think I have no room to talk on this topic because of my past decisions. After all, I’ve been married two other times and prior to marriage I dated every Tom, Dick, and Harry there was and had careless sex with almost all of them. However, let me assure you ALL of those things actually give me more reason to talk about the sad state of our marriage society than probably those who haven’t already lived on the other side of the fence. Not to mention, I have seen both sides of the coins within my own family.

I KNOW if you’re choosing to treat marriage like the society would have you treat it:

1.)     That you’re gaining a lot of extra highs.

2.)    For every high you’re feeling, you’re also feeling a lot of lows.

3.)    You’re hurting yourself and also those you love even more.

4.)    For as much enjoyment you’re gaining right now, you’re losing twice as much!

Let’s Talk the High

When you’re married for a period of time you don’t get to hear how good looking you are nearly often enough.  In many cases, you don’t gain hardly any attention. That makes it really easy to justify interacting more with someone else. Many times a spouse doesn’t go out looking for someone else to be with, “it just happens.” That’s a bunch of hog wash! Nothing just happens unless you choose to let it happen.

This new person is giving you loads of flattery. They are making you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. Since the romance is new many times they are more willing to be “frisky too.”

Let’s not forget they don’t SHARE any of the other responsibilities of life with you. They are carefree and able to be your end all with you. Plus you’re in the honeymoon stage with them. (Even if you’ve known that person all of your life, when you add sex or even a deep emotional connection with someone it changes your relationship into a whole another ball game.)

Now because you’re getting this extra attention from this person or people as can be the case in some situations, you’re on this natural high. You’re on this high because you have someone who genuinely cares about you and wants to spend time with you. You have someone boasting your confidence again as a human being. This ALL feels good and RIGHT.

Then the Lows Kick In!

You’re on this high for however long it takes for this you or this new person shows their true character. Or even worse, they start demanding more from your relationship. They want you to leave your spouse and kids for them. Or what if they never demand more from you, in some cases that’s a worse position to be in because you start to wonder why! You also have to be more creative with your current spouse as to what is going on. Unless, of course, you’ve got the open marriage going on.

Regardless, if you do truly love your spouse, once the newness wears off with the new person, you will start to miss the way things were with your spouse BEFORE the distance happened. You’ll want it back with THEM.

The Hurt Sets In

At this point you realize that you’ve made a mistake with this new person. The real kicker is true love is more powerful than any amount of sexual or even emotional flings that may come your way. Your heart is going to demand to be with the one you love most every time. (This whole process can take a short period of time or a long time, regardless though it WILL happen.) At this point, you’re going to be hurting worse than you can imagine.

If you do confess what you’ve done if you’re not in an open marriage, it causes so much pain to your spouse that in most cases it can’t be healed. Even when it seems like it’s healed, it never really is 100%. Trust becomes an issue for both of you, but not for the same reasons. Once you’ve cheated on your spouse you’ve really hurt them in one of the most painful of ways.

Reality Has Set In

Whether or not you tell your spouse, you’re going to have to live with the decisions you’ve made the rest of your life. It will eat at you every day in one form or another. This little fling may help you realize what caused you to love your spouse in the first place, but all the pain and heartache it brings could have been avoided had you just taken the time to keep the spirit of marriage alive within yours.

In more cases than I can count, the open marriages DON’T work. Having a person on the side doesn’t help ANYTHING. What does help though is actually taking the time to make your spouse feel love and respected, keeping your home fires burning, and being an actual life partner with them!

What is your opinion on this whole open marriage situation we have in society?

 

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Crystal

I'm Crystal. I'm married to Dale, and mother to Johnny. Some might say that my life is perfect because I get to do all the cliché wife things like cooking, cleaning, and decorating - but there's more! I also have many hobbies including needlework (crochet), sewing, and reading. My son's education is important, so we homeschool him together.

15 comments on “What I Know About Open Marriages”

  1. Such a great post! Your blog name fits you so well since it sounds like you have lots of experience! I never agreed with open marriages and I have no idea how people do it.

    Reply
    • Thank you for the compliment.
      I’m glad that you’re in agreement with me. I’m just baffled by it all. I always have been!

  2. I never understood open marriage and why you would get married in the 1st place if you want an open marriage, but to each his own.

    Reply
    • I think they do it for the tax benefits and other things that they get for being married. It just rubs me the wrong way big time.

  3. I am afraid marriage doesn’t mean that much anymore. It was supposed to be forever and if you fall out of love it is over for many. I am upset that gays can use marriage to get married. I think they could have called it something else. It is not a man and a woman. I am not against what they want to do just not under the marriage word. It is sad how far our society has lots its absolutes. There is none. That way everything is ok. I could write a book so I will stop!

    Reply
  4. It’s sad to see how society values marriage nowadays. While I’m divorced, I have met the one I’m supposed to be with and we will be married, I know that. But, it’s very disheartening that marriage, traditional marriage, is looked down upon.

    Reply
  5. I’ve made very poor decisions in the past, long before I met my husband. Yes, we are to the boring stage probably. We have 2 little ones that both sleep in our room/bed. So our physical relationship just isn’t there. However, I still deeply love my husband and would never turn to someone else. He still shows me in little ways daily that he loves me, and I hope I’m doing the same for him. I don’t understand open marriages, I never will.

    Reply
    • I’ve made terrible decisions too prior to getting married that has made a negative impact on my marriage big time today. However, I praise God everyday that we’re together despite my terrible decisions.
      It breaks my heart to hear you say you’re at the boring stage of your marriage. Not saying we don’t all get there at some point in our marriages because we do! Are you both working on getting out of this rut together? Marriages that don’t stay physically AND emotionally connected have a very HIGH chance of failing. If you need some ideas, I have a long list of them and resources for helping couples get through this boring stage. I’m a big advocate for this topic and it’s near and dear to my heart.

    • We are both committed to staying married- he is from divorced parents and this is my second marriage, so we have a unique perspective of it. We do need to get out of the rut, but things are about to get a lot better. My oldest daughters (his step daughters) were in a horrible accident March 6th. My 18 year old is doing great, she was in the ICU for 4 days and a regular room for a day, she was back in school in a wheelchair on the 6th day. She’s just graduated and doing well (if she would grow up and get a job, whole other story). 🙂 My 16 year old, who both myself and my husband are closer to, was dead at the scene. God breathed life back into her, she was airlifted and was in a coma for 10 days. All told she spent 2 weeks in the ICU and 3 weeks in an acute care facility. We started right in on outpatient therapy for her traumatic brain injury and did some physical therapy and tutoring to catch up at school as well. So a normal week was 6 appointments a week. As of last week that slowed way down, Next week will be even better, just one appointment. So at the end of the day I was physically and mentally exhausted with dealing with doctors, therapists, and keeping my little ones busy and happy that many hours a day. That leaves little to no time for my husband during that entire time. I think something like that, and the ensuing medical bills that we’re having to cover (I’m a sahm and my ex husband spent part of benefit money that was raised for medical expenses on his personal bills), could tear a marriage apart. Instead we are actually closer than we’ve been in awhile. I pray all the time for our marriage, and I know without a doubt that God answers prayers (sometimes in a huge way, like with my daughter. We just keep hearing what a miracle it is how great she’s doing!).

    • OH my gosh.. You have a lot of reasons for being in your position for sure! Thank you so much for commenting back and sharing your story with me (and everyone else.) I’m impressed that you have maintained your faith through all of this! It sounds like you have married a wonderful man.

  6. I don’t much care about open marriages, I mean, it’s not for me (I had my dating-around stage, and it was quite different from being in a long-term partnership) but if everyone involved is OK with it, they’re all adults. It seems more like a scheduling challenge to me, between our work schedules and other obligations, I don’t see my fiance enough as it is!

    Reply
    • I have seen the difference in marriages after they opened it up to being an “open marriage” first hand, and it has always ended up in divorce. I can see how scheduling can be considered an issue. However, people do manage to find time to roam if they want to do it bad enough.

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