As I sit here, I want to ramble on and on like a mad woman. He hasn’t been working long, and I’m already getting the “I got to go in early.” Or the.. “I got to stay later than planned.” The sad fact of the matter is when I a manager it was the same thing for me. The only difference was instead of losing an hour or two with him, I’d loss an extra 10-14 hours at least with him and the family. So far, that hasn’t happened with him. I don’t believe it ever will with this job.
I know he’s not doing anything in my head. I just hate that my mind goes THERE EVERY time something like this happens. He knows good well if he does do anything that sooner or later I will find out about it. If I do, I don’t think him nor I really want to see what the consequences will be. He’s seen me as angry as I can get, and he knows it’s not a pretty site or one that is easily contained. He’s admitted that no affair would be worth losing me and the kids over.
Plus he knows what it feels like to be cheated on all to well. Unfortunately, I was the one who wasn’t faithful to him in the past. I honestly think that has a major role in my crazy whacked out imagination spells. I mean, I did it, and I know I loved Del at that time. I also know that I was scared to death of letting myself love him completely. I was scared to death of getting hurt by him (or really anyone.) So instead, of taking the biggest risk of my life, I’d run from it like crazy and find my next fling.
Then I kept my own personal vow, that if I ever get married, I’d never be unfaithful. I wasn’t! I didn’t start dating anyone until we were separated. My first marriage was hard because my first husband is not a sex craved man. He is more of a man who likes to take his time and truly show you he loves you when he has sex. To him it’s about making love, it’s not about getting down and dirty. (At least that was the case with me. Time may have changed that about him, and he may be totally different with someone else.) However, he knew about my past, and he also knew I didn’t want a man to want me solely for that. So, he may have held back for all I know. We never were able to freely talk about sex without a war breaking out. I wasn’t able to express myself in a manner in which it didn’t come out like I was attacking him.
If Del didn’t know me so well, I swear we’d fight far more than what we do. He has to correct what I’m trying to say all the time. He knows my heart and he knows that I am terrible at putting into words what I feel in person. (There are times when I have to rewrite something a hundred times to get my full point across.)
My kids have been driving me batty. The bad thing is they honestly and truly have not been bad. They have HONEST to goodness tried to be remarkable kids this week. They have used their manners. They have been helping out as much as they know how to. They have been trying to get along with each other. When I give them a “look” they have been admitting to what they have been doing wrong and even coming up with their own form of punishment that they should get. We’ve honestly had some remarkable times this week.
It’s just I don’t want the “noise” of them. I want complete peace and QUIET!!! Right now this house is quiet, and I’m loving it!! However, I long for my husband and the noise that he’s going to create. Go figure. I love the peace and quiet, and even feel like I’m in a mini heaven. Yet, I’m like my kids… I’m not grateful for what I have right now… I want something more. Makes you realize where they get it from!
I’ve also been missing my mom a lot lately. I think it’s because Mother’s Day is fast approaching. Plus Zeva is getting older. I wish she was here to see it all.
I’m just in a blah mood. Sorry for venting on ya. However, that’s why this blog was originally started. If you have followed me from the word go, then you know I’ll have these types of blogs from time to time. The scars may die down, but there are so many things that can trigger the pain to flare back up. That phone call of “I’m working later than planned.” happens to be one of them. It’s the doubt initiator. For me to have any doubt with Del is pure craziness!!!
How is your spring break going?? I can’t believe it’s already almost Friday. Where did this week go??? They say when you’re having fun time slips away from you. In this case, it certainly has!!! Summer break is right around the corner though. I can’t wait because then I can revamp this blog to a whole new level. I’ve been doing it in pieces, but it’s hard to see the picture when so many things are missing from it.
Well, I’m going to curl up and read one of the many books I have lined up for review for you all. 🙂 This one is definitely worth digging into. 😉 I can’t wait to tell you about it.
Don’t forget to check out the wide range of giveaways going on right now under the giveaway tab. Speaking of books, in my newsletter that I hope to get done within the next week or so, I’m going to give you a list of the many blogging books that have helped along this long road of learning. I still have a long ways to go before I will feel like a blogging expert. However, I don’t feel like a total beginner anymore. 🙂 If that interests you, please sign up for my newsletter in the top right hand side of my page.
Tell me how your spring break has gone for this year. 🙂 Did you get to do anything special??