How to Speak Up for Yourself: 7 Steps Without Sounding Rude

Have you ever walked away from a conversation wishing you’d said what you really meant? Maybe your voice gets a little shaky, or the perfect words just seem to vanish when you need them most.

You end up letting things slide at work, with friends, or even with your siblings, and later that hot rush of resentment kicks in.

It can feel like your only options are staying quiet and feeling angry or risking a super awkward confrontation. If you’ve ever felt that way, you’re in good company. Research has shown that nearly half of working women have trouble expressing their needs, partly because society has old-fashioned ideas about female assertiveness.

But here’s the good news: Learning how to speak up for yourself is a skill. It’s a habit you can build that will boost your confidence, protect your mental health, and lead to much healthier relationships. I’m going to walk you through some simple steps to get there, and I think you’ll be surprised at how easy it can be. Let’s get started!

What does speaking up for yourself really mean?

Think of speaking up for yourself as finally trading in a pair of tight, uncomfortable shoes for sneakers that actually fit. It’s about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and honestly, while still respecting the person you’re talking to.

It’s not about being aggressive or demanding; it’s about being assertive. The Mayo Clinic defines assertive communication as the ability to express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others.

If you are always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be.
– Dr. Maya Angelou

Many of us feel anxious about voicing our opinions because of past experiences. Maybe you were taught as a child to avoid conflict, or your brain’s classic “flight or fight” response gets triggered by what it sees as a social threat.

Ignoring your personal values to keep the peace can lead to something called cognitive dissonance, which is the mental stress you feel when your actions don’t line up with your beliefs. This internal conflict is where resentment and anxiety grow.

Speaking up, even in small ways, stops that resentment from piling up. It’s not about starting a fight; it’s about calmly stating, “I matter, and my needs are valid.”

Benefits of speaking up for yourself

When you start to speak up, you build more than just better relationships; you build a stronger sense of self. It helps you raise your self-esteem, reduce daily stress, and feel more in control of your life.

How does speaking up improve confidence and self-esteem?

Each time you advocate for yourself, you send a powerful message to your brain: your thoughts and feelings are valid. This act of self-validation slowly chips away at self-doubt and builds a solid foundation of self-esteem.

This isn’t just a feeling; it has real-world impact. The McKinsey & Company “Women in the Workplace 2024” report found that opportunities for advancement are closely tied to a woman’s ability to advocate for her own work and ideas. Voicing your accomplishments and needs isn’t bragging; it’s a critical career skill.

Researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown has spent decades studying courage and vulnerability. Her work shows that true confidence comes from being willing to show up and be seen, even when you can’t control the outcome. Speaking your mind is a perfect example of this kind of courage in action.

With each honest conversation, your trust in yourself grows, and as a bonus, others begin to trust you more, too, because they know where you stand.

How can speaking up create healthier relationships?

Clear communication is the bedrock of any healthy friendship or partnership. When you speak up about your needs, desires, and boundaries, you eliminate guesswork for the people who care about you.

This is where “I” statements become so powerful. Instead of saying, “You always cancel our plans last minute,” which can sound like an attack, you can say, “I feel hurt when plans change suddenly because I look forward to our time together.” This approach invites empathy instead of defensiveness.

The Gottman Institute, a world-renowned research center on relationships, identified criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict the end of a relationship. Using “I” statements is a direct antidote to criticism, fostering connection instead of conflict.

When misunderstandings go unchecked, people might take your silence as agreement, leading to you feeling overlooked or resentful. Over time, that resentment can build up and lead to much bigger problems, sometimes even resulting in yelling matches (more on why some partners yell). Speaking up early and kindly prevents these issues from escalating.

How does speaking up reduce stress and resentment?

When you constantly swallow your feelings, you’re not just creating mental strain; you’re triggering a physical stress response. Studies have shown that suppressing emotions can increase levels of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone, which over time can impact your health.

Assertive communication acts as a pressure release valve. Stating your needs calmly stops that tension from building. The American Psychological Association reports that assertiveness is linked to lower anxiety and depression, giving you a greater sense of control.

Setting clear boundaries frees you from the exhausting job of managing everyone else’s expectations. Each time you voice a preference or ask for respect, you’re preventing future frustration. Think of it as emotional housekeeping, keeping resentment from cluttering up your mind.

“Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” — Maggie Kuhn

Can speaking up lead to better opportunities at work and in life?

Absolutely. When you speak up in professional settings, you’re demonstrating confidence and leadership potential. People who articulate their ideas clearly in meetings are more likely to be seen as valuable contributors and get credit for their work.

This has a direct financial impact. A 2024 Forbes analysis of salary negotiation trends found that individuals who confidently and clearly articulated their value were significantly more likely to receive a higher salary offer. Staying silent can literally cost you money.

This idea was famously promoted by Sheryl Sandberg in her book “Lean In,” which encouraged women to take a seat at the table and make their voices heard. Setting firm boundaries around your workload also shows that you value your time and expertise, leading managers to trust you with more significant responsibilities.

A simple phrase like, “I’m interested in taking on more leadership responsibilities,” can open doors to promotions and projects you might have otherwise missed.

Common barriers to speaking up

So if speaking up is so great, why is it so hard? Usually, it comes down to fear, anxiety, and a lack of confidence that can feel paralyzing in the moment.

Why do people fear confrontation?

For many of us, the fear of confrontation is really a fear of disconnection. Our minds race with worries about hurting someone’s feelings, being disliked, or even losing a friendship or a job.

Childhood lessons often teach girls to prioritize being “nice” and keeping the peace over being honest. This creates a deep-seated belief that conflict is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

Psychologically, this is tied to a fear of rejection. As psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, author of “How to Be Yourself,” explains, our brains are wired to see social rejection as a threat to survival. This can make even a small disagreement feel like a high-stakes battle. While avoiding the talk might feel safer in the short term, it almost always leads to more stress and resentment down the road.

How can anxiety about seeming rude stop me from speaking up?

This is a big one for women. We often worry that being direct will be misinterpreted as being aggressive, bossy, or rude. And unfortunately, that fear isn’t entirely unfounded.

A well-known 2014 study by Kieran Snyder analyzed performance reviews and found that women were far more likely to receive negative feedback that included words like “abrasive,” “bossy,” or “aggressive,” often for the same behaviors their male colleagues were praised for.

This social conditioning creates a lot of anxiety. The worry that you’ll be labeled as “difficult” can be enough to make you silence yourself, especially at work. But it’s important to remember that assertive, respectful communication is not the same as being rude. The key is to unlearn the idea that your needs are an imposition on others.

What causes lack of confidence when speaking up?

A lack of confidence often comes from a sneaky little voice in our heads known as “impostor syndrome.” It’s that feeling that you’re not actually qualified or good enough, and that any moment, someone will find out you’re a fraud.

This feeling is incredibly common. A study published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine found that up to 82% of people report feeling like an impostor at some point. Dr. Valerie Young, a leading expert on the topic, notes that this can prevent women from speaking up in meetings or negotiating for raises because they don’t feel they deserve it.

Past experiences also play a huge role. If you were dismissed or criticized when you tried to speak up in the past, it’s natural to hesitate now. This creates a cycle where silence feels safer, even when it leads to more frustration.

How to start speaking up for yourself

Ready to start finding your voice? The best way to begin is by taking small, manageable steps. You don’t have to start with a big, scary conversation. You can build your “speaking up” muscle over time.

How can I practice speaking up in small, low-stakes situations?

The key is to practice where the risk feels low. This builds confidence without the pressure of a major confrontation. Here are a few ideas:

• At a coffee shop: If your order is wrong, politely point it out. “Excuse me, I asked for oat milk. Could you please remake this?”
• With a friend: When deciding where to eat, state your preference instead of saying “I don’t care.” Try, “I’m really in the mood for Italian tonight.”
• At home: Say “no” to a small, extra request. “I can’t take on that chore right now, but I can help with it tomorrow.”

In public places like a gas station, if something unexpected happens, such as in gas station slip and fall cases, calmly speak up to the attendant or manager about the issue—e.g., “I slipped on this wet floor and need to report it for safety reasons.” This practices asserting your needs in a neutral, factual way.

Author and speaker Mel Robbins champions the “Five-Second Rule.” If you have an impulse to act on a goal, you have five seconds to physically move before your brain kills the idea. The next time you want to speak up, count down from five and just start talking.

Courage doesn’t always roar; sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ – Mary Anne Radmacher

What are “I” statements and how do I use them to express myself?

“I” statements are a game-changer for assertive communication. First developed by psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon in the 1960s, they focus on your feelings rather than blaming the other person.

The formula is simple:

I feel [your emotion] when [the specific behavior happens] because [the impact it has on you].

A common pitfall is disguising a “you” statement as an “I” statement, like “I feel like you’re not listening.” The focus is still on the other person. Stick to expressing your own experience.

How do I stay calm and clear when communicating my needs?

When emotions run high, it’s hard to think clearly. Having a few go-to techniques to ground yourself can make all the difference.

One powerful tool is “Box Breathing,” a technique used by Navy SEALs to stay calm under pressure. It’s easy to remember:

1. Breathe in for four seconds.
2. Hold your breath for four seconds.
3. Breathe out for four seconds.
4. Hold your breath for four seconds.

Repeat this cycle a few times before or even during a tough conversation. Another great method is the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique. Silently notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This pulls your focus away from anxiety and back to the present moment.

How do I set clear and firm boundaries effectively?

Boundaries are not walls to push people away; they are guidelines to teach people how to treat you. In her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace,” therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab explains that boundaries are simply expectations and needs.

To be effective, your boundaries need to be stated clearly, concisely, and without apology. You don’t need to over-explain or justify them. Here are a few examples:

• Time Boundary: “I’m not available to take work calls after 6 PM.”
• Emotional Boundary: “I am not able to discuss this with you when you are yelling.”
• Physical Boundary: “I need some personal space right now.”

The hardest part is holding the boundary when someone pushes back. Stay firm and calm. You can say, “I’ve already stated my boundary on this.” Consistency is what makes boundaries work. If you’re dealing with consistent disrespect, especially related to issues like verbal abuse & alcohol, it is critical to seek support and prioritize your emotional safety.

Why is practicing and preparing important before speaking up?

You wouldn’t run a marathon without training, and the same goes for a difficult conversation. A little preparation can make a huge difference in both your confidence and your outcome.

Jot down a few bullet points on your phone or a piece of paper. Think about:

• What is the main point I need to communicate?
• What is my ideal outcome?
• What are some “I” statements I can use?

Rehearsing out loud, either to yourself in the mirror or with a trusted friend, helps commit the words to memory so you don’t get flustered. This practice builds what psychologists call “procedural memory,” making the skill feel more automatic and less scary over time. You can even use AI-powered tools like Yoodli to practice your speech and get instant, private feedback on your delivery and word choice.

The role of body language when speaking up

Your non-verbal cues often say more than your words. When your body language is confident, your message is amplified, and you’re more likely to be taken seriously.

How does maintaining eye contact help when speaking up?

Eye contact is a powerful tool for building trust and showing sincerity. It signals to the other person that you are engaged and confident in what you are saying. Studies have consistently shown that people who make eye contact are perceived as more believable and credible.

A good guideline is the 50/70 rule: aim to maintain eye contact for 50% of the time while speaking and 70% while listening. This shows you’re paying attention without coming across as staring or aggressive.

If direct eye contact feels too intense, former FBI agent and body language expert Joe Navarro suggests looking at the “triangle” of a person’s face, moving your gaze gently from one eye to the other, and down to the mouth. This softens the gaze while still keeping the person engaged.

What is an open and confident posture?

Your posture can change not only how others see you, but also how you feel about yourself. An open and confident posture involves taking up space.

Stand with your feet hip-width apart, roll your shoulders back, and keep your chin level. Avoid crossing your arms, which can signal defensiveness. Instead, let them hang naturally at your sides or use them to make open gestures. Keeping your hands visible is a sign of trustworthiness.

While some of the initial claims around “power posing” from a popular 2012 Harvard Business School research paper by Amy Cuddy have been debated, the core idea that your posture influences your mindset holds true for many people. Standing tall simply feels more confident than slouching.

This matters in any setting, from team meetings to job interviews at major companies like Meta Platforms Inc., Amazon.com Inc., or Apple Inc.

Which body language gestures should I avoid when speaking up?

Just as some gestures project confidence, others can undermine your message by signaling nervousness or anxiety. Be mindful of these common tells:

• Fidgeting: Playing with your hair, clicking a pen, or tapping your fingers can be very distracting and make you appear anxious.
• Self-soothing gestures: Touching your neck, face, or rubbing your arms are often unconscious attempts to calm yourself down, but they signal discomfort to others.
• Slouching or shrinking: Making yourself physically smaller by hunching your shoulders or crossing your legs tightly can make you seem timid or unsure.
• Shifting your weight: Constantly shifting from foot to foot can make you look restless and eager to escape the conversation.

Try to keep your movements purposeful. Use hand gestures to emphasize your points, but otherwise, aim for a calm, grounded stance.

How will speaking up for yourself change in 2025?

The way we learn and practice assertiveness is evolving. In 2025 and beyond, technology and shifting cultural norms are making it easier than ever for women to find and use their voices.

One of the biggest changes is the rise of confidence coaching and practice tools. Companies are increasingly focused on creating “psychological safety,” an environment where employees feel safe speaking up without fear of punishment. A recent Gartner report highlights this as a top priority for successful organizations in 2025.

Technology is playing a huge role. AI and virtual reality tools like Yoodli or Poised offer platforms where you can practice difficult conversations with an AI “boss” or “friend” and get immediate, private feedback.

At the same time, younger generations like Gen Z and Gen Alpha are entering the workforce with a greater expectation of transparency and direct communication. Research shows they report less guilt about being assertive compared to previous generations, which is helping to normalize speaking up for everyone.

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