Being Vulnerable About My Depression

Robin Williams’s death has shaken me to my core. Not because I know him personally, but because I have been a fan of his for most of my life. His work has been something that has helped me during my hard days of depression. I’ve mentioned before,  I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember now. However, I’ve yet to tell you just how deep it runs.

I really can’t put into words what it feels like to suffer from a depression that is strong that it consumes every part of you. When I struggle with my depression episodes I feel like I’m trapped. I can’t handle any type of pressure from anyone. If someone asks me for anything, it’s like they’ve asked me for a million dollars when I have less than a penny to my name.

Please pin this image so others may gain this insight too about depression. Thank you.

I have already expressed that I suffer from emotional eating. I desperately want to break that habit, but every time I make progress something else happens in our life that causes me to go back to ground zero. When that happens my depression just festers. I know my weight loss would happen a lot quicker if I could get my hormones in check. However, due to the new government regulations there’s no way I can afford to get the help I need now for it.

I suffer. I’ve learned many things to help keep my depression in check. However, those things don’t always do the trick. I love blogging and everything it entails, but when I’m suffering, it’s really hard to write. It’s hard to stick with it.

If you know anything about depression, then you know that it’s hard to continue to have a desire to do anything you love to do. Nothing sounds appealing! You really don’t want to be around anyone because you feel like you’re not worth anything. I have been suicidal many times over in my life, and have felt like others were better off if I wasn’t alive anymore.

I’ve had others literally try to use my depression against in me. It’s kept me from promotions at some of my jobs because I can’t keep a steady pace of results. It has interfered with my relationships with others. I’d love to not have this emotional roller coaster ride as a part of my daily life.

Since Robin Williams committed suicide it makes me realize that regardless how much you have at your disposal there is no guarantee that a person can really control the depression beast. I’m learning to lean more on God and less on my husband with each passing day. It has really helped a lot. (My husband is still my better half, but it wasn’t fair to him to have me be co-dependent on him.)

Has Robin Williams’s death affected you in any way? 

 

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Crystal

I'm Crystal. I'm married to Dale, and mother to Johnny. Some might say that my life is perfect because I get to do all the cliché wife things like cooking, cleaning, and decorating - but there's more! I also have many hobbies including needlework (crochet), sewing, and reading. My son's education is important, so we homeschool him together.

10 comments on “Being Vulnerable About My Depression”

  1. It really did deeply sadden me to hear of Robin Williams’ death. I so adored watching him. I personally don’t suffer from depression but have a good friend that does, and I know how dark and lost his life gets at times. I will keep you in my prayers, Crystal. {hugs}

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  2. Hi Crystal, Thanks for such an honest post. I too dealt with depression–when I was in my teens and cutting myself up and more recently about 3.5 years ago. My brother also just recently overcame years of depression. I would like to help you. There is freedom from this. Private message me on my Facebook page, Fruitfully Living.

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    • Thank you Luisa for being willing to chat. It honestly took a lot for me to write this post (it always does when I share them.) I would love to get to know you more though. 🙂

  3. I’ve been told that the more outgoing we are such as Robin in his antics is a way of hiding the inner fear we have. That must be the plus side of depression. Sometimes those that seem to be all proper and have the world in place EXACTLY are ones who bother me. No one in the world has it straight because we would not need Jesus Christ then. Before I became a Christian, my Christian influence mother told me to plead the blood of Jesus when things would seem like they were falling in around us. She said it is the blood of Jesus that was shed for us that Satan hates because he knows it is true and Satan will flee when we remind him and ourselves that He shed his blood for me and you on the cross! I was young and hated being told that. You know we don’t always put a lot in what older people say, right. However, He has allowed me to grow somewhat in Him and now realize the truth of her statement. Last night was a restless night and all I knew at that point was tell Satan go away because of Jesse’ shed blood for me. Finally he left me and I was able to rest. Halleleaui for older Christians guiding us! When you start to go down the next time–plead the blood of Christ on your behave and see Him work. Love in Him.

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    • Thank you for the words of encouragement. You’re right that God does have the power to heal. I have been leaning on him more.

  4. When something so tragic happens, like the death of someone loved by so many, it brings us all together. There is so much sadness in his death, but I am grateful for the conversation we are having about depression. Mental health is something we need to talk much more about so that we can support one another and hopefully prevent someone else from such a tragic end.

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    • I am too. Even though some people thought I was wrong for making this post even though Robin William’s acting has been a big part of our lives. It’s not the first time I’ve mentioned my depression issue. It’s just the first time I’ve realized how much of impact it plays in the lives around me too.

  5. I was actually on an international vacation when I learned about Robin Williams’ passing. I definitely took a few moments to reflect on my favorite moments and was in disbelief for quite awhile. I wish you well on your own journey in dealing with depression and send you love and strength.

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