The Fantasy Marriage Syndrome

I grew up in a home where my parents were divorced from each other from the time I was two years old. They both remarried to other people several times throughout my life. I can remember being a little girl dreaming of the day when I would get married and how I would make things so much better in my marriage. I vowed I wouldn’t make the same mistakes as my parents did. Ironically, had I married my true love  the first time I very well may not have made them?

My Fantasy Marriage

I wanted to be the type of wife that put my husband first above everything else except God. I dreamed that I would keep the house clean, cook him meals daily and that we would raise our kids together in harmony. I dreamed that we would cuddle in each other’s arms every night and wake up with kisses wrapped up together. We’d make love daily because we could never get enough of each other. We’d be sure to have loads of family outings together. We’d both work and make a reliable income to support ourselves and still manage to put God and our marriage as our top priorities in life.

The Reality Marriage

What I got instead of my fantasy marriage, is a man who doesn’t talk much about God. He is not interested in going to church. He does family outings with us, but it’s not as often as the family would like to see him take part. He does work for the family business when he’s physically able. I do work professionally on the blog.

I would love to say that my husband’s requests and desires are placed above that of everything else. The reality though is lately it seems his desires from me tend to end up on the back burner until the rest of the world around us is satisfied. It does break my heart some that I have let that happen. As I write this, it is dawning on me just how far I’ve let this issue get out of hand. This is something that I need to make a reality! My husband deserves to know that I love him and care about his needs more than that of the outside world.

We do cuddle and wake up with kisses, but we don’t cuddle all night long because we quickly learned a few months into our marriage that it really isn’t realistic to do every single night all night long. We usually give each other a kiss first thing when we’re BOTH awake passings each other in the hallway. (We do not wake up together; it’s always one of us who gets up before the other.)

Until Del’s health issues, we had a very healthy love life. Due to his health problems, now sex is something we enjoy when we can. Our passion for each other is still very high, and that makes for some incredible moments when we’re able to connect.

As far as me cooking and cleaning the home, let’s just say that I ensure the house is presentable for company. Del does most of the deep cleaning in our home. Cooking has become something of a choir. I do it when I have to. When you have three kids and a husband with a diet we’re still trying to figure out what he can eat, the joy and desire for cooking has diminished almost down to nothing.

The sad fact is I finally have my kitchen nearly 80% of the way I want it to be. I just need the kitchen flooring, and the walls painted, and I’ve got almost a brand new kitchen from what I had when I first moved into this house! I always felt like once I had a kitchen again that I loved to be in that I would want to cook again. If it weren’t for the fear of harming Del by what I cooked, then I probably would be more eager to dive into cooking. I have resisted the urge to cook a lot since the kitchen has been redone by him.

Raising the kids in harmony is a task. The funny thing is we’re both strict parents, but about different things. We each have what we want/expect out of the kids while we’re with them. Our children, for the most part, are good kids, but they have their moments of being a wild bunch of kids that I do not want to claim as my own. We do strive to work together in raising them. We discuss how to handle the major offenses the kids do when we get the chance. In this arena, I believe it’s safe to say that we are trying our best to get it right together. Regardless to how many parenting books I read the real life experiences of actually raising them doesn’t follow a book guideline at all!

Finding the Happy Medium

I may not have the perfect fantasy marriage I dreamed of having as a kid. We are not perfect. Life can’t always be a bed of roses and loads of kisses. We do make the most of the time we’re given together, and we do strive to show each other that we love them in some special way each day. That for me is enough to say that I’m a happily married woman.

The whole idea of me writing this post was to make you stop and look at what you fantasized about what your marriage would look versus what you are living instead. I want you to see the reality is that most people don’t end up with their fantasy marriages. Instead, they end up with something as close to it as possible. We make our dreams a reality by the actions we choose to do when we’re awake.

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If you’re not happy in your marriage, then make some steps towards making it better. I highly recommend you consider doing the [easyazon_link identifier=”140020447X” locale=”US” tag=”tidbitofexp-20″]The Respect Dare[/easyazon_link]. It transformed my marriage with Del, and to this day I will say it what saved it and made our marriage feel as close to the fantasy marriage I dreamed of that we can humanly make possible.

Please describe to me what your vision of your fantasy marriage was when you were growing up. Are you close to having that dream?




Photo of author


I'm Crystal. I'm married to Dale, and mother to Johnny.Some might say that my life is perfect because I get to do all the cliché wife things like cooking, cleaning, and decorating - but there's more! I also have many hobbies including needlework (crochet), sewing, and reading. My son's education is important, so we homeschool him together.

26 comments on “The Fantasy Marriage Syndrome”

  1. Thanks so much for visiting Counting My Blessings! Rev and I are celebrating our 43rd anniversary today. I’m blessed to be married to my best friend. Love the truth of this post!

    • I’m so happy to hear that you’ve been married 43 years. It warms to hear couples staying married that long in our society today.
      Thank you for much for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

  2. It is true not many of us get to have a fantasy marriage. I would say, I’ll take the real marriage over fantasy any day of the week.

    Sorry to hear about your husband’s health issues. I hope that you figure it out during this season of your life.

    • Thank you. I believe in time we will figure it out. In the meantime though, it’s an expensive venture to get to the bottom of it.
      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

  3. I don’t think I ever had a fantasy marriage in mind as a kid. My parents never separated or divorced, but I did see times of strain and working to make it better. I’ve been married for 14 years and we’ve been seen our share of ups and downs. I just finished reading the book Happy Habits for Every Couple. It’s a daily project based book about strengthening your marriage. I think books like the Respect Dare and Happy Habits help our marriages grow. Thanks for sharing on the Small Victories Sunday link up.

    • I’ve never heard of the Happy Habits for Every Couple. Thank you for mentioning it. It sounds like a book right up my alley.
      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

  4. I dreamed of having a fantasy marriage like you Crystal but now I see that is not the case. I’m currently not married but when I do get married I hope it’ll be a happy one. #ProductReviewParty

    • Louida,

      When you do get married keep in mind that it’s not easy to stay married. It does take proper communication, lots of love, and a devotion to God and each other to make it through the hard times. Enjoy every moment you have together.
      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

  5. Thanks for your honest and heartfelt post. TV and movies present such a distorted view of marriage that young people might not realize that it’s not all moonlight and roses.

    • I’m glad that you’re in agreement that more young couples need this message. I know I wish I had someone take the time to talk to me about how rough the first couple of years of marriage can be.
      Thank you so much for coming by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

  6. I love this, Crystal! It’s so open and honest, and when accept reality as it is, we can learn to adjust our expectations. Thanks for sharing this at the Sat. Soiree. You’re featured this week!

    • Thank you so much for the feature. lt’s easier to fix the realities of life than it is trying to live in the dream world.
      I’m glad you enjoyed this post. It means a lot coming from you.

    • The Love Dare and the Respect Dare are two of my favorite books on marriage. You can’t go wrong with either one of them.
      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

  7. Crystal my dad and mom divorced when I was 9. They did not have a healthy relationship. My dream, my goal was to have an intact family. I have that. My husband and I have been married for 37 years. But, it definitely has not been anything near the fantasy I dreamed. Marriage definitely has not always been pretty. Down right ugly at times but God has and still is healing us and I am thankful that my fella is still my fella. I love him dearly. Thanks for your transparency. ~visiting from Wedded Wednesday

    • I’m glad you can appreciate this post. Congrats on being married for 37 yrs! That is quite a feat for sure. I know how in order to stay married as long as you have, it requires constant work. Thank you for sharing your own marriage experience with us.
      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

  8. I think as young girls we all dreamed of the perfect marriage. God has a plan for all of us and he sometimes tests our love for Him through our marriage.

    Thank you for your honestly in this post. I’ll have to check out that book.

    • I think you’re right that God does test our love for him through our marriages. It’s been said that our marriage is a reflection of his love.
      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I look forward to seeing you again soon.

  9. Very interesting. It seems many of us had ideas of marriage as kids/teens that were just not realistic at ALL. I wonder if that has to do with “awakening love before its time,” as is warned about in the Song of Solomon? Several tidbits here – I’m happy that the Lord is leading you on a path of growth! Thanks for sharing at Christian Fellowship Friday!

    • I’m so glad that you stopped by and commented. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond.
      I do agree that has a lot to do with it. We live in a society that makes people believe that they have to have intimidate relations prior to marriage, and really all that does is makes things even worse for them after they are married. Of course, that’s another blog post in and of itself.

      Thank you so much for stopping by and I hope to see you again soon.

  10. What a wonderfully honest post! So many people do get married with expectations that the newlywed phase lasts forever and then the hard truth hits (aka, life) I love that you were able to tie a book recommendation into it. Thanks for linking up at From The Archives Friday!

    • I’m glad that you enjoyed this post. Many of my reviews are handled that way if there is any way possible to make that happen. Thank you for sharing your opinion on this type of post!

      I really appreciate your company and the fact that you left a comment. I hope to see you again soon.

  11. As long as I have always put God first, things have worked out but it hasn’t always been easy. My husband and I have lasted 33 years this month and it isn’t just luck. We have worked at it but we have always considered God a part of our marriage. I don’t know how people make it any other way.

    • It’s always nice to hear when a couple put God first in their marriages.When you have him in your life it truly makes all of your relationships better. Like you, I have no clue how others do it without him.

      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon Becky.

  12. Thank you for your honesty! We are so easily distracted (at least I am) I know the order of how things should be–God first, yes. And, I fail. And, I live in His grace.

    Blessings to you and thank you for linking up with From the Archives Friday!

    • I fail often myself. I try my best to keep from doing that. I’m glad he gives us loads of grace and mercy.

      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I hope to see you again soon.

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