In my blog yesterday, I talked about my last car accident. I mentioned briefly that through the course of my accident I was wishing I had gone back with Del instead of passing up YET another chance to be with him. Del tried to get me back even after the accident, but I was overly afraid to take the leap of faith and leave my second husband and risk leaving my comfort zone.
(Being with Del WAS out of my comfort zone because he has ALWAYS had my complete heart and soul and body, and to be with him means I’m laying everything on the line.) I was content with my other marriages. I would have stayed in either one of them until the day I died, but both of my ex’s knew I loved Del (and they both told me to go back to him.) Honestly, it wasn’t fair of them to be married to me, and they both deserved better. My first ex-husband has a wonderful wife who adores him with every ounce of her being, but I wonder if he truly realizes it and appreciates it before it’s to late. My second ex-husband, I saw him the other day in Walmart, and he looks like he’s finally with a woman who’s perfect for him and he was beaming from ear to ear. It warmed my heart to see him like that despite our differences and issues. In my heart, I’ll be forever grateful to my second ex-husband for literally helping me to get the courage to completely follow my heart and gain the life I truly wanted.
A lot of people ask for my input since I have lived through so many things. My mom taught me the value of living my life to the fullest while I have it. She told me, “It’s not about the quantity of days I have; it’s about the quality of my life.” I’ll never forget her telling me that when we got the news that her cancer had come back in the doctor’s office. It KILLED me to know that she wasn’t going to fight to have more time on Earth with us. However, I also understood what she meant.
My accident had taught me that lesson all to well. I was helpless and HATED it. It was one thing to be bedridden with my first child for nine months, but I KNEW it would end. When I came out of my car accident, I was flat out told I’d NEVER walk again (let alone NOW RUN.) However, I also believe and trusted in God.
I talk in my sleep. My second ex-husband stated that I would talk all through my dreams about wanting to be back with Del. I envisioned him coming to get me so many times. (He did, but NEVER the way I envisioned him doing it.) I think that’s part of the reason I held back because it wasn’t the way I figured we would end up back together. The realities of life is so much more different compared to our dreams.
Our hearts will lead us in the right direction if we follow it with caution and a rationality thrown in.
My only regret in life is not marrying my husband back on July 19, 1998!!! I put some great men through a lot of pain and torture that they could have avoided had I followed my heart back then. I also had a beautiful wonderful daughter who I couldn’t open my heart to completely because my heart was broken inside in a million pieces. I knew I couldn’t give her what she deserved. Therefore, she formed a bond with her Dad that couldn’t be broken and our bond couldn’t be changed. I miss her dearly, but I don’t regret giving her a chance to be in a relationship with two parents who love her completely. I feel blessed to know she has that, and do pray that one day I’ll see her again when she’s an adult and she’ll be able to understand that I loved her enough to give her what she fully deserves.
I praise God that his plan for my life included me being married to Del and having our two kids. We gained a bonus child (my oldest.) He reminds me so much of me and I loved him long before I met him because he’s the son of the man who had my heart. It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never experienced this situation!!
Life has a tendency to throw so many curve balls and give us so many choices. However, one thing I’ve learned from my car accident and also from my mom’s cancer, is WE ONLY GO AROUND ONCE. If your heart isn’t happy or into what your doing, your not living a QUALITY filled life. We teach people how to treat us based on what we let them do to us, and we can change that by what we’re willing to stand by and accept.
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