I am going absolutely crazy today. My mom would have been 58 years old this year. I have been thinking all day long how unjust it is that she never got to meet Zeva or watch Delbert turn into a little boy version of me.
I didn’t cherish the time I had with my mom until I was 23 years old. A lot of that had to do with the fact that I was always feeling like I was in between my mom and my dad, and I was made to feel guilty for liking one more than the other or even equally as much. My mom cut down my Dad every chance she got, and even when I became old enough to buy my own plane ticket and go see my Dad she thought I was sorry for even wanting to do that. However, now that my Dad pretty much disowned me since her passing as of two years ago on the 19th (7 days from now); I can see why she felt the way that she did. Of course, I’ve also since then became a single mother with a daughter who also worshipped the ground her father walked on even though he had little to no contact with her for LONG periods of time until I would harass him to talk to her. Life is full of so many lessons!!
However, I’m trying really hard to not be upset today. She was rejoicing going home to heaven. She was finally relieved of the pain she was dealing with the last five years of her life. Cancer held no mercy against her during her last year of life. However, she didn’t want to go through chemo again or anything else because she wanted to live a life of quality not quantity. It hurt like hell to hear her say that, but in the same token, I could understand it.
If you were to die today, do you have your affairs in order?? Do you know where your soul is going?? Have you lived your life in a manner in which you could be proud of your name and all that is attached to your name?? I know, for me, I still want a chance to fix some things and hopefully grow into the person I hope to be.
I praise God for every minute I have of life. I hope that I’m doing more right than wrong. I’m definitely not perfect. I’m very rough around the edges, but there is a lot of room for someone to help smooth those edges out. 🙂
