Today is a very special day because it was the day my daughter (that is adopted by her stepmother and father) turns 11 years old. Last year, I had the pleasure of being able to talk to her and wish her a happy birthday and even send her a small gift. However, this year I don’t have that pleasure. However, I’m not complaining because it did become confusing for her and I both talking to each other on a regular bases. Emotions were starting to become a bit crazy. So, I’m patiently waiting to see if she wants to come see me for a visit when she’s older. Each passing year, it closer to the time frame that I feel she’ll be able to make that decision on her own.
2010 was an interesting year for her. However, everything is back on track and in place the way I had hoped it would be for her. I got to the talk with her that I longed to have with her that I didn’t think I’d ever get to have with her. So regardless, I KNOW I made the right decision for her.
However, as I sit here pregnant with her half sister and literally praying to God with all my might that I don’t go into full blown labor and give birth to her sister today, I am reminded of my pregnancy with her. My pregnancy with her was rough from the minute go. I literally felt the butterfly feeling and knew instantly I was pregnant. When I woke up the very next morning throwing up, it just futher confirmed it!!She kept me sick and in pain throughout the entire pregnancy, much like her sister is doing to me now.
However, her father was wonderful throughout the entire pregnancy!! He worked all day and came home and cooked and cleaned and did it all without argument or complaint. He took very good care of me. Anytime I was in the hospital, he was there as well giving me lots of moral support.
However, I convinced him to move to Ohio because my Dad promised us better jobs and life in Ohio than what we had in SC. That ended up being the first HUGE mistake we made!! My ex ended up in more dead end jobs than Carter has pills. He was also several hundred miles away from his first daughter that he was fighting to gain rights to due to his ex. During the last trimester I was having major complications with the pregnancy and was literally being told (like I am now) that I could give birth any time now. Me being selfish, insisted that I couldn’t go through labor without him (which I’m still selfish like that with my current husband!!) However, he had a court date come up for his first daughter, and the courts nor any of the lawyers were willing to do anything to change the court date despite all of his efforts. He had already been deprived the chance to be a part of her life for several years for several different reasons (not all of them were his fault!!) So, he literally felt between a rock and a hard place.
He ended up making the decision to give her up. He NEVER made me or our daughter feel guilty for that decision. He NEVER even talked about it with me or how he felt. Granted, I made the same decision concerning our daughter for him, but mine had a lot more to do with our daughter wanting to be with him and being a Daddy’s girl from before birth than anything else. He never got to have a solid relationship with his first daughter, and his first daughter never got the full truth as far as I know.
Our daughter in my mind because my “precious gift” for him. I knew our marriage wasn’t going to last because I had literally became overly insecure and literally insane. I honestly thought when he left me that he was going to take our daughter with him. I kept my wall up against loving her completely because that was always in the back of my mind. I swore when he gave up his first daughter that I would never separate him from our daughter.
When I moved back to SC from Ohio, I didn’t move until he guaranteed me he was going to move back to SC behind me in a couple of months. I didn’t want him in SC for my sake, but I did want him in SC for our daughter’s sake. I never wanted our daughter to have to live without either of us in her life. However, that ended up not happening. However, life doesn’t always go as planned. I don’t regret having her or the time I spent with her. She means the world to me still even though she’s not in my life. I think of her often.
I regret the strain I put on her father and her life. If I had married my current husband the first time like I should have, then they would not have been in my life to start with. However, both of them helped change me into a better person and fully prepare me for the life I’m living now. For that I’ll be forever grateful for both of them. God knows, I think the world of her current mother!! Life is full of many funny twists and turns, and so many people come in our lives and leave them, but they all leave an impact of some kind behind.
So, on today, even though I can’t physically say Happy birthday and I love you to her. I hope that she is having a wonderful day with the family that she is meant to be with. Her father more than earned the right to have her, and I would have gladly of surrended her to him even without the fight if he had told me he was finally ready to have custody of her in a peaceful manner. I know I’ll never regret my decision to let her stepmother adopt her because she has been wonderful with our daughter and she definitely treats her like she is her own (which she is now in every sense of the word.)
Sometimes the best gift that a person can have is putting someone else’s desires ahead of their own. Yes, it hurt like hell to give her up and there are days it still does hurt, but I think back to our heart to heart talk where she told me on her own that she was completely happy. She misses me too, but she wouldn’t trade the life she has. Time will tell if she’ll ever come back into my life, and I do sincerely hope she does even if it’s just as a friend and nothing more. However, I want that to be her decision totally.