I’ve been reading all over the Internet lately about how many parents are stating that they are failing their kids left and right. I have felt that as I’m reading those wonderful blog posts that God is convicting my heart. I’m not a perfect mother by any means. I try in earnest to be a good one, but it’s EXTREMELY hard to be when I wasn’t raised up with a good one myself.
My Mom’s Excuse
My mom used the excuse that she wasn’t raised up with a good mother either because hers was a drunk. My mom had two alcoholic parents raising her. When I read the memoire that she was trying to write in her final years of her passing it makes perfect sense why she acted the way she did towards me. She literally refused to have more kids after I was born. She claims that’s because all I did was cry whenever I was around her.
My Excuse
That brings me to my topic for today, because I’m dealing with a MAJOR FUSS Box in my daughter UNLESS she is center of someone’s attention ALL THE TIME! Now any real honest to goodness mother will know, that’s impossible.
Especially when you have two other children (one of whom is equally as needy but in a bit different manner and one who requires so much of your time when it comes to teaching him, even though it shouldn’t!) Let’s not forget out about housework, working from home, and also having a husband who also deserves your attention too. I also failed to mention a dog that also is a little jelly poo.
Feeling like a Failure
However, I feel like I’m failing them left and right. I NEED to work from home because we do NEED the income, and for as much as I’d love to be able to have the luxury of sending my kids to an actual school I can’t do that living where we do! I wanted to move to a better location so that I could do that, but my husband doesn’t want to leave his family home/land. I don’t really blame him. As a result though, I feel like I’m failing my kids!
My oldest child should be more prepared for life than he is! Part of that is because he came into my life totally utterly spoiled rotten and he wasn’t taught how to be independent at all. All the independence he has now is because I taught it too him. He still is nowhere close to where he should be on the chores list, or even on the educational stuff he’s learning. It concerns me drastically that he is so utterly far behind! Now he’s reached that lovely preteen age where the attitude mode has kicked in, and it’s making it twice as difficult to teach him these vital things!
I’m really concerned about my middle child because he’s smart as a fiddle but because I can’t give him the one on one attention that he so richly deserves and needs, I feel like he’s going to end up failing behind as well. I want to be the one to teach these things to him because I see so much of me and my brother in him, and if I don’t do it a certain way he’s going to backslide big time. His teacher is not concerned like I am, and that reassures me big time.
I feel like I’m a failure as a mother. I feel like I’m failing them as a homeschool parent. I especially felt that way after my kids grades came through completely for this past semester. My oldest had more C’s than anything else this year. My husband was very quick to assure me that it wasn’t my fault because he’s seen me teach the kids and he’s seen EVERYTHING I’ve given them to make them better students and how I’ve made sure to have them well equipped to be able to learn the material.
Dealing with Unjust Judgment
It doesn’t help matters that I feel like with each passing day I have people judging me that have no right to judge me as a parent. These people have no right because they weren’t parents themselves to this age group, let alone three of them. They can lie to themselves and say they were, but they weren’t there for their kids when they were young! They didn’t actually spend time with them and RAISE them. It’s easy to say how you’d raise a kid until you actually have to do it!
Yes, I’m ranting and raving. I know I’m nowhere close to the best mother on this Earth. What I do know, is I do the best I can. I do know my kids are confident that I love them and would go to the ends of this Earth for them. I do know that I’m striving like crazy to make my kids fully independent of me by the time they are 18 years old.
I want them to be able to walk out of my house at 18 years old ready to take on the world as it’s handed to them. I want them to already have employment of some kind under their belt, a high school diploma, and a sense of some type of direction for their lives. I also want them to be able to handle maintaining a home of their own with ease. I realize that life may throw me some curve balls along the way for this course for my kids and that things may not go as planned. Despite those obstacles, I will still do everything in my power to make this happen for my kids or die trying!
Do you have days where you feel like you’re failing your kids?
You’ve chosen a hard path that I imagine in my worse dreams… my kids, I love them, but I could not homeschool them I simply do not have the patience – at all. I have a great deal of patience for other things, but having to repeat myself 3 or more times just makes me angry. 🙂
You are proof that with each generation through love and devotion the next generation is better off. You are doing great – I’m impressed!
Trust me when I say, I didn’t plan to homeschool my kids. It became a necessity! If I want them to go to a decent school I have to commute one hour one way for them to be in a decent school around here. I’m sorry but for those same four hours I could have already taught at least one of my kids their entire days lessons and saved me a bunch of gas money. Not to mention, the other hassles that come with public school systems in today’s world.
I’m glad you’re impressed because I look at my day and wonder. 😉 Of course, my kids are alive, fed, and they have learned something throughout the day even if it isn’t much. I do love homeschooling them. I can’t imagine NOT doing it now. Yet, on days like today I wonder if I’m making the right choice. My husband is quick to tell me I am because he’s seeing things from an outsiders perspective.
I think every parent feels like a failure at one point or another – but just because you feel like that doesn’t mean you ARE.
We definitely have to keep doing our best.
Thank you for that. 🙂
The mere fact that you are working so hard for your kids and that you are concerned for their grades, and welfare means you are doing the best thing you can for your kids, LOVING THEM!! *hugs*
I definitely do love them. I love them with every ounce of my being. They are my world.
I have been parenting for almost 21 years now and I have had a load of times where I have felt like a failure as a parent. I think it is natural particularly with moms to feel guilt about everything.
I’m glad to know that it’s a natural thing. I wonder if it’s a natural thing to keep us striving to be better at it??
Um, like almost every day. My oldest has passed 18, but I am in no hurry to kick her out. (She’s not ready to go either.)
I have big hopes of having mine ready to go by the time they are 18. I’m not in any hurry to see them leave, but I’m wanting them ready to leave. (If you catch what I mean by that.) I love having my kids with me even though they drive me up a wall and back at least once a day.
I think it is always hard and everyone always thinks they are a failure at one point or another. I know it is hard but try to forget about those judgey-mcjudgersons out there. You can be your best support system. Good luck for those pesky teen years.
I’m trying to forget about the judgmental people. I am so glad that I’m not in the teen years yet, but it feels like I am already.
I think every parent has these thoughts. I wasn’t raised under the best circumstances either. I have been a single mom for most of my time as a mother. I tend to get down on myself from time to time, but I’ve learned to not sweat the small stuff.
Not sweating the small stuff is such a good thing. It’s so much easier. You know I already take my hat off to you for being a single mother. 🙂
I felt a lot of what you are feeling right now, when my kids were growing up. For a large part of their lives I was a single mother, and had to work outside the home. I did the very best I could for them, and sometimes I knew it wasn’t enough. I had to say no way more often than I wanted to. But, I taught them to appreciate what they received, how to lose graciously, how to love with all their hearts, and how to support themselves in the big ol world out there.
No one gets instructions on the bottom of their kids. We all have to learn as we go, and so many of us have so dang much to do every day that we feel overwhelmed. Set a time for each child every day, even if each one only gets 20 mintues of undivided attention. Give them chores for which they are responsible, and if there has to be a thing left undone, you can sweep the floor tomorrow. Those people who judge you? don’t worry one bit about them. Next time they give you a judgemental remark, offer to let them come and take care of the housework you have let go so you could pamper the child who needed it most.
Homeschooling was not my first choice. However, after trying school for a few months, we realized it was not something we wanted for our children, at least not while we live here. It is a struggle at times, and I sometimes wonder if I am failing or not giving one of them enough attention or being selfish because I want another baby. I homeschool and work from home. I have to play both parents for several weeks at a time because of my husband’s job. However, my kids are happy, and knowing they are happy makes me feel a bit better.
So happy to see another homeschooling mama in my SITS tribe group 🙂
We love homeschooling. Please don’t get me wrong! It may have it’s challenges (including making me feel like a failure), it is really the best decision I’ve made for my kids. Now they beg to NEVER go to any type of school again.
My kids don’t want to go to any other school either. I was worried that my daughter was going to want to go to private school this year after finding out her three best friends are there, but honestly, she would rather be home. She likes the extra time she gets with her daddy when he is home from the oilf field
My kids claim that they get so much more time with us as result of being homeschooled. That is definitely very true! When they did go to school we barely had any time together and it literally felt like someone else was raising them.
Most parents have those kinds of feelings. My very best advice as a parent whose chickies have flown the coop is just keep on keeping on. It isn’t about being a perfect mom it is about being a present mom who tries the best she can with what she has. Just keep on keeping on being the best mom you can be and don’t let the yuck get you down too much.
Blessings
Debbie
Thank you for the words of encouragement Debbie. I truly appreciate it more than I can express. I definitely need them.
I used to always beat myself up for things as a mother. It’s so easy to feel guilty about…well…everything! You just don’t know what things that happen (or don’t happen) will be things that change their lives forever or be no big deal. It’s scary.
Then someone told me something that helped me. They said, “I’m not worried about your kids or your mothering. Just the fact that *you* are worried about it means you are thoughtful about what you are doing. I’m more worried about moms who never even think about these issues.” You know, that just struck me. It’s not that I’m anywhere near perfect (I’m SO not) but I am doing just fine, and that’s probably better than average. I know you are, too, because you are taking the time to think about these things.. You keep up the good work and try not to be too hard on yourself!! –Lisa
Lisa,
That is such a great point that as long as we are caring about the job we’re doing then we know we are still trying to do the best we can. I just feel like mothering my kids is actually the hardest job I’ve ever done and there’s really no manual that covers what I need it to cover. 🙂
You are an amazing mom!! The best way we can move past the mom guilt is to TRUST that you’re going a good job. Not ever aspect of your parenting is ideal… but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You know? Being a mom is hard enough, but to let the guilt and judgement of others rule us just isn’t fair to us! Your kids love you and that is proof enough that you are doing everything right, momma!!
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.