Today has been a long interesting day to say the least. I woke up at 3:45 am this morning feeling anxious over going to the high risk pregnancy doctor visit. I don’t like change to much, and I am EXTREMELY leery about seeing a different ob-gyn, I don’t even like the fact that I had to change from the doctor who helped us get pregnant to a doctor that is in charge of deliveries in the same office as my normal ob-gyn.
Well, the high risk doctor stated that he wasn’t worried about my weight loss so much as he was worried about my depression issues. My depression has flared it’s ugly head again, but I haven’t become suicidal again or even close to it thanks to the fact that I have Del to lean on and cry on his shoulder when I feel completely overwhelmed by it. Life has been hard on us lately because we are transitioning between the type of work that we’re doing, and it makes paying the bills harder. However, the good Lord has always provided, even if it is a bit later than we would like. Plus the stress of the house situation is playing a toll, and just every day life.
However, since this pregnancy is almost the spitting image of my first pregnancy he is majorly concerned about me having another major fight with postpartum depression again that becomes ugly all over again. Del has helped me get through many of my battles with depression over the years, but even he is concerned at the level that I’m getting to now. If he’s on the doctor’s side and suggesting that I get treatment, then I must me worse off than I thought. I’m just so use to fighting this battle that it’s become a part of who I am. However, I don’t want to be fighting the emotional battle anymore.
I want to live on an even kill life cycle. I want to be able to stay on the same paths that I want to finish out. I struggle all the time of reaching what goals I want to reach because my depression tends to play a major hindrance in me finishing what I start. I have been a major performer in my prior jobs, but then I have a spell where I just don’t do nearly as good as I want or normally do. In looking back on it, I know it’s because I’m going through a depression stage. When you have depression and you are handed MANY life issues, it makes it really hard to stay strong to get through those issues.
I’m not to keen on the idea of taking medicine while pregnant. I don’t like pills to start with, but the idea of taking them while I’m pregnant with Zeva really does concern me. The doctor specializes in high risk pregnancies and the doctor I’m going to see does as well. However, I’d really hate for something to happen to Zeva when she’s managed to remain healthy all the way to this point even though it’s been a rough road. Zeva has my heart so much already! All of my kids do, and I know my depression is effecting them in a negative way as well. However, they have learned when to just leave me alone and when to be clingy. However, I don’t want them to continue to have to judge my moods to determine when to be around me. I talked to my oldest son today about my moods to get his view point, and believe me when I gave him the green light to be honest, he was. He told me that I have lots of grumpy stages throughout a day, but I also have lots of nice and fun loving stages too. He told me that when I’m grumpy, I’m not to terrible, but he can definitely tell a difference. He doesn’t understand why I go through those mood swings. I couldn’t tell him why I did either. Luckily though, I am not any where close to where I was right after my first daughter was born, but I fear I’m headed there if I don’t get the help I need now.
So, on Tuesday, I will be officially getting help for this issue, and getting a professionals opinion about what they feel is really wrong with me. Luckily they have created medicine to treat these issues, but is it truly safe for me to take while pregnant?? I don’t feel doctors are always right, after all, I had a doctor flat out tell me I’d never get pregnant, and here I am on my third pregnancy. So,….What do you think??? What is your experience???