There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t have something or someone reminding me of the abuse. It’s all around me. It is in every part of me. It effects my relationship with my husband and even my relationship with my kids. There are times when I’m so torn up in pain over a memory that flashed through my mind that I’m cold as ice towards my husband.
The Past Affects Today
It took over five years of marriage for me to fully trust my husband completely. It took five long harsh years of me fighting my inner demons to be able to know that my husband is worth my trust. I have always trusted him with my life and with all of my secrets. I just didn’t trust that I was personally enough for him. The sad fact is he had already endured two years of this trust battle in the very beginning of our relationship. However, someone knocked me off kilter all over again while we were apart. Luckily, he loves me enough that he rode out the storm of the trust battle with me YET AGAIN.
It makes my skin crawl when someone says “just get over it, it’s in the past.” Yea, it may very well be in the past. I don’t want to live in the past any more than the next person really does. After all, there’s nothing that anyone can do about the past. We can’t change it. We can’t undo what we’ve done or what others have done to us right? So why waste our energy on it?
The problem with that is, I literally suppressed as many of my bad memories as I possibly could from my childhood. In the process, I really buried a lot of good memories too. The kicker is when my kids ask innocent questions about how my childhood was, I can’t answer them. I can’t really tell them much about my childhood. All I see, when I’m forced to look back is the nightmares I lived through. They are just as raw today as they were when I was living it.
When I FINALLY signed the papers on the sale of my mom’s house, I didn’t feel an ounce of remorse. I didn’t feel any wish to hang on to it because it was my ‘childhood home.’ In fact, I was itching to get rid of it. If I could have burned down the house and built a new house on the property, you can bank I would have fought tooth and nail to make that happen with my husband. I loved the land, the neighbors, the schools, and the neighborhood with a passion. I HATED the memories the house gave me every time I would walk into my old room.
I can remember getting sick to my stomach driving home on the final stretch to my mom’s house. I literally would drive well over 100 miles an hour up and down that final bit because if I didn’t I swore I would have had a major meltdown. It got to the point that the local cops gave up on trying to pull me over for it. They knew I could handle a vehicle with complete ease regardless how fast it went.
Having It All, But Yet…
The thing is now I have the life I’ve always wanted. I am married to a man that treats me like a queen. I have three wonderful kids who are all Momma’s kids. I have a cat that showers me with attention. I have in-laws that may drive me nuts at times, but they are actually pretty darn amazing! I may not live in the type of house I want, but the love in my life more than makes up for all of that! Materialistic items come and go, but finding the type of love that is in our home is a very rare thing.
Why is it that my past still haunts me? I honestly think it may have more to do with God wanting to use me to help others. I’m in the midst of watching the movie Gimme Shelter, and my heart is breaking for this girl. I want to reach out and take her in my arms. I want to show her the love she so desperately longs for. I want to give her the shelter and the help she needs. The sad fact is there are many young girls in our world today that are just like her all around us! I also believe that if more people would open their hearts to these type of teenagers that our world would be a totally different place.
It’s amazing I didn’t become one of them. I came mighty close many times over. I believe that with every ounce of my being that I had God and his ten thousand angels watching over me. I praise him every day that he has watched over me like he has and still gives me the love that I felt I didn’t deserve.
Gimme Shelter is a movie that will fill you with hope. It reminds you that in our world today we are able to choose our family. Gosh knows, I adopted plenty of people in my lifetime to be my actual family. I was blessed to have those people in my life. I could so utterly relate to the ending part of this movie with great intensity. It was so overwhelming I was in tears with her.
This movie is perfect for any adult to watch. We all need to love like this! It’s quite the inspirational movie.
Are you able to just forget your past completely and move on?